The harsh reality of life as an expat – especially in the early days – is that loneliness is a constant companion.
It sounds dramatic, but even when you’re with a husband, wife, or significant other, it’s hard not to feel a little lost when you’ve been catapulted out of your comfort zone into a new culture without the familiar social support network of friends, family, and colleagues.
I felt that loneliness keenly in my first few months in New York City, and often admonished myself for it. It wasn’t until I met fellow expats (online and off) that I realised it’s something all expats go through, and it’s nothing to feel ashamed of.
You’ve moved halfway around the world to a new country where you only know one person and can’t work? Give yourself a break. It’s hardly surprising things will feel slightly off-kilter at first.
So how do you make friends as a new expat?
After almost two-and-a-half years of coffee dates, after-work drinks, and multiple meet-up group events, here’s what I’ve learned works as a newcomer meeting people in a completely new country…
Say yes to everything – even when you don’t feel like it.
I can’t count the times I’ve felt like nothing more than staying in, sitting on the couch, and watching TV with Mr. Stories My Suitcase Could Tell – but made myself get up and go to one event or another I’d been invited to.
Sometimes these events are a let-down, where you awkwardly mingle with strangers. But more often than not, you end up having a brilliant evening with likeminded people, making new acquaintances that will eventually turn into friends.
Make the first move.
In a weird way, finding and forming friendships as an expat is a bit like dating. You’re not sure if you’ll really like each other or not in the long term, but there’s only one way to find out – and that’s to make the first move.
Reach out to that person you follow on Instagram who lives nearby and seems to share all your interests; go for a coffee and see what happens. Want to get to know the person you keep running into at networking events? Arrange to go for lunch together, one-on-one.
Friendships are formed through sustained, regular contact, and the only way you’ll ever even start getting to know someone is to sit down and talk to them. So go ahead: be brave and make the first move.
Take online friendships offline and into the real world.
Thanks to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and the millions of blogs out there, most of us have a few “internet” friends we get on well with through tweets, comments, and sometimes emails. As an expat, now is the time to take these relationships offline, and see if you click “in real life.”
When my ‘online’ friend Caitlin – who I had met through her blog, Broadside – found out I was moving to New York City, she invited Mr. Stories My Suitcase Could Tell and I for Sunday lunch. The two of us have met up together countless times since, over tea and cakes, Ukrainian dumplings, and even poetry readings.
The moral of the story? If you’ve got to know each other online and seem to like each other, there’s a good chance you’ll have a ready-made friend waiting once you log out of Facebook.
Join meet-up groups of likeminded people.
The first thing you should do as a new expat is join Meetup.com. There are meet-up groups dedicated to just about anything you can think of, and it’s a good starting point for introductions to people who you already have at least one thing in common with (books, travel, or even just going out for cocktails!).
If you’re involved in the travel industry, joining the Travel Massive community is a must. I’ve been attending their NYC events for two years now, and have slowly but surely found a wonderful (and welcoming) group of friends and colleagues through it.
(Case in point: after about a year of seeing each other once a month at Travel Massive events, Erin, Marie, Karissa, and I decided to get dinner together – and we’ve all been hanging out ever since.)
And finally: enjoy it!
It can be easy to focus on the negatives as a new expat, worrying about the fact that you don’t really know anyone. But forming friendships takes time – and patience. Keep making the effort, enjoy the experience, and eventually you’ll find your tribe.
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Have you ever had a similar experience in a new country, or a new town? Do you have any advice on how to make friends as an expat?
Let me know in the comments – I’d love to hear from you!
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Want to read more?
What really happens when an expat goes home?
10 British Foods I Miss As An Expat in the USA
What Does It Mean To Get A U.S. Green Card?
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Thanks for the shout-out!
It’s difficult indeed…especially when you don’t share those crucial early moments of school and/or university and/or grad school, which Americans, especially, tend to rely on as sorting mechanisms.
Joining any sort of regular activity in a group that you really enjoy (for me, softball, 17 years now with the same group of people) helps a lot. I’m now also a member of the Canadian Association of New York, which throws regular social events. Another way to meet people is to join a local church or synagogue.
You had to get a mention, Caitlin 🙂 ! Sports teams are a great idea, and I’ve been meaning to look into the Scottish societies too – there are plenty variations of Scottish groups to choose from here!
I have always found it hard to make ‘new friends on the Road’ and will definitely try your tips. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Lisa | Joy Della Vita Travelblog
Thanks Lisa, hope it helps while you’re travelling!
In 1975 I moved from my Cheshire home to the Isle of Lewis. At that time was a two day journey from one to the other and a world which might as well have been the other side of the earth. With children aged 1 and 2 we were two days from friends and family support. Obviously there is a huge difference being effectively an expat on Lewis from being an expat in the New York metropolis and unable to work but a lot of what you describe is familiar. We were fortunate in that many people moved here at the same time and of similar ages and we became our own family support groups and many of the friends made then are still friends today even though many have moved on (but many have remained here too). Of course having children made integration easier and made up for the lack of many of the other options that you have outlined.
My experiences living half the year in New Zealand for 10 years was quite different and all that you have said could have applied but for the very different approach families over there have to parents who are always invited when families get together which enables them to make their own new friends. My other tip would be to get immersed in a sport or similar activity. I have made many friends (both in Scotland and New Zealand) through playing croquet at a national level in New Zealand.
Lastly I would also agree about the power of blogging. I have made very close friends with whom I have shared many holidays and time together in New Zealand, the UK, America and various other countries all as a result of my Eagleton and New Zealand blogs.
PS I have still not worked out why yours is the only WordPress Blog that I have to sign into each time and go through the whole rigmarole when I want to comment.
Thanks for your comment Graham! I can only imagine how different Lewis must have seemed (and how long the journey was!). It’s funny you mention having children making integration easier – when I shared this post on social media another expat friend said having a toddler made it much easier for her to make friends.
(I’m really sorry you’re still having that issue with WordPress – I’ll try and sort it again, and see if anyone I know knows what the issue is.)
Strangely, I had the same experience after moving back home after grad school! With no friends from high school left, it took about two years to make new friends. I decided to start inviting other girls new to town to go on weekend hikes with me and then girls movie nights, and now I’ve got some solid friendships! I think being out in nature often strips egos and clothing fashion away so it seemed a good way to get to know girls I thought might otherwise run in other circles.
That sounds like a brilliant idea, Elizabeth! I might have to borrow it 🙂
These are all so true, Katie! I was pretty lonely when I first moved to London, even though John lived here already. I was determined not to hang out with him and his friends all the time, so I joined a gym and an orchestra … and slowly made friends through those activities as well as a lot of painfully awkward friend dates! 10 years on, I have a little established group of friends I regularly hang out with. But it does take so much time!
xo Jaime
Angloyankophile
I’m happy to hear you can relate to it, Jamie! I always enjoy reading your expat posts. It’s definitely hard at first, and it takes time, but we get there in the end!